The Democratic presidential field is large and growing, and The Late Show tried to break it down Wednesday with a March Madness bracket.
With 2020 slowly approaching, “the Democrats have narrowed their choices down to everyone,” Stephen Colbert said in his monologue. There are so many candidates running that those “without a signature hair style, they’ve been experimenting with signature issues.” Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass.), for example, wants to eliminate the Electoral College. The audience at Warren’s town hall loved the idea, Colbert said, “but come on, if you get rid of the Electoral College, you turn the election into some kind of popularity contest.”
Joe Biden, meanwhile, “still needs something to stand out,” Colbert said. “One option he’s reportedly considering is actually running for president. Another is selecting a running mate early. It is adorable that Joe Biden thinks the thing everyone really cares about is who the vice president is gonna be.” And Andrew Yang has found his issue, he said, taking “a public stand that he wants to keep male genitals intact. I can see the yard sings now: Andrew Yang for a Better Wang.”
“If you’re having trouble keeping track of everyone in this guess-who game of candidates, don’t worry, we are here to break it down for you,” Samantha Bee said on Full Frontal. Pete Buttigieg, for example, would “seem like a great candidate, but his own husband has revealed something incredibly damning: Pete Buttigieg is a Hufflepuff,” she said. “Listen, no one wants to be a Hufflepuff. … All Hufflepuffs are narcs.”
Of the 16 candidates, “15 will lose while one, let’s be honest, will also probably lose and we’ll be stuck with this toilet monster for another four years,” Bee said. “So tonight, I’m announcing that I, too, am running … far away, because this campaign is already exhausting and it makes me want to hide in a hole.” There’s some NSFW language. Watch below.